What You Can Do to Help

"I would have called you earlier but I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to bother you."

I can't even count the number of times I have heard this, or similar, statements over the past few months and I am sure that Chad has heard it even more frequently.


Guess what?  We don't know what to say either!


In all seriousness, we know that people mean well and are simply trying to take their cues from us.  But the reality is that we are too busy living with the day to day world of cancer, and all that comes with it, to be able to provide those cues for friends and family.  

So after having this same conversation twice today, with what I consider to be close friends,  I thought that I'd share some general guidelines with you all.  I don't claim that these thoughts and feelings mirror those of anyone else in our situation, but hope that they help you understand where we are coming from at this time.

1)  A phone call or text is never a bother.  On the contrary, it helps us feel connected to the outside world when so much of our day to day lives are caught up at home.  Some days it is all we can do to accomplish the requirements of the day - getting up, showering, working.  Other days, especially on certain parts of the chemo cycle, even that is too much for Chad to handle. Hearing a few words of encouragement can go a long way!

2) If there is something you'd like to do to help, please just do it.   Honestly, we are not ones to ask for help.  And if you ask if if we need something, we will likely just say no. While we appreciate all of your kind offers to call when we need something, we aren't going to call.  We aren't going to reach out because we already feel guilty for all that people are doing to help.  We could never ask nor expect more.

3) Please initiate hanging out / visiting / going to dinner.  Speaking for myself, I know that there are people who are figuring that I will reach out to them when I am ready to socialize.  The truth of the matter is, I won't.  I just can't.  The idea of trying to organize something and risk getting rejected by the ones I am reaching out to is just too much for me at this time. Please feel free to reach out to us and include us in plans - bbq's, parties, dinners, whatever.  If it isn't a good time, we will  graciously decline.  But just being invited helps.

4) It is ok to ask how things are going.  I know that people worry about asking.  Please don't.  We are pretty open to sharing Chad's story.  By asking how things are going, you are demonstrating you care.  It isn't a bother and won't ever offend us.  More than likely we won't ever bring it up first.  That doesn't mean we don't want / need to talk about it, it is just that this fight consumes so much of our lives that we try to not dwell on it more than is required.

5) Just be yourself, and allow us the same.  As simple as that sounds, it is what it all boils down to.
Yes, life sucks at our house right now.

Yes, we are dealing with a terminal illness.

But we are still living our lives and taking it day by day.  We want and need the same things that we had before December 11th.

Most of all, we need our friends and family by our side, not afraid to reach out to us.

Thanks for all your love and support,
~Darcy